Tuesday, May 16, 2017

What Should I Do

Dah lama aku biarkan blog ni bersawang.. bukan sebab tak ada idea, tapi sebab terlalu busy. I guess, this is a motherhood like. I prioritize child over everything. And now, I am back. First of all, re cap on why I am ex-SC?

After migrate from UiTM to Clinical Research Malaysia, I have been enthusiastically involved in clinical trials, handling more trials and in a good manner since CRM has provided us with lot of lots of training! And I get to involve in other task as well. Exhibitions, Research Day, bigger team, bigger therapeutics area! And I am in love with clinical trial.

I got promoted to another post (which initially I refused) because my ambition at that particular moment, I want a zero deviation trials..but, none of my studies that I handled, I  achieve that. SO sad...and pathetic. I guesss....

Being promoted with the new role, as Assistant Regional Manager, comes other responsibilities as leader. To grow and nurture people. Which I know I might not doing it right, but CRM has provide me training, expensive training. I grow and try to implement the knowledge. My passion towards clinical trial has grow me to another part of the job which is as a speaker/trainer. I am happy to do it as the time goes by, indirectly I have improved my skills as presenter, trainer and also networking.

It has been a great 4 years experience until, one day... CRM offered me another post. Which people fights for it, except me. Because, I am yet to master the skills of managing people, being a good leader, and a lot more. I have set my directions, my team direction and suddenly it changed. They give me bigger responsibility which I myself feels that I can't handle it. 

The sad part is, you can't run away. And friends run away from me. Because, do they think that the whole years I am working to reach that post. It feels frustrated that the only person that you think will share the dilemma has misunderstood for it. I should have given up the post, or reject it sternly when offered! Thats the biggest mistake I ever made. 

It is sad when a person you called friend, who grow together in the company suddenly give you cold shoulder...and I feel like alone...just suddenly. And feel guilty. Did I just crossed her line? Did I just crush her dream? Which I didn't mean to.

Is this how friends feel when the other friend has just 1 step in front? (I don't feel that I am one step forward)..but it seems that my friend feels that way..

I wanted to give up, I wanted to give away the post... but how. I have tried many times, telling my boss, that I don't want and don't deserve.. I want to continue my job as I am now.

I am sad...will share some blushed moments later when in mood.


Even a 1000 cups of coffee with a friend it is too little (n_n)v